Well friends, it has been a while since I updated you on my life. As I have reflected in the past month on 2010 I have come to the realization that God decided to use 2010 as a year to prove His glory to me. This was seen in many ways, now that I stop to think about it. First, I graduated, and with graduation I left a community of 4 years and ventured out into the world ;-) Sounds great! Uh, no. Leaving the community, the fellowship, the closeness of Friends University was/is one of the hardest things I have had to deal with. No longer do I walk down a hall and see a friend, get a hug. And God use this to reveal His glory. He took away how I identify myself in other people, how I cling to them for assurance. He chose to show me that all I really need is Him.
Then there is the ever present dissatisfaction of being single. Recently I was reading through my journal from the past two years. I had to laugh at myself as I read that this restlessness was still present two years ago, but at that time I was convinced Prince Charming was right down the road. Well, two years later he is still non-existent! But God has slowly been melting this stubborn heart, and showing me that when I am so wrapped up in not having someone and trying to figure it all out, I am not trusting in His plan! It is like I say I am going to give it all to God...except this one thing. Because if I place my dream of Prince Charming into His hands I may not get one! Now, that is a ridiculous thought because seriously, if I place Prince Charming into God's hands God's plan for him and me will be incredibly better then if I had done the planning! You would not believe how many times I have hit myself in the head trying to get that truth pounded in!
I have been reading through the Old Testament, and currently I am in Joshua. The first thing I have noticed is that when the Israelites tried to figure out things on their own nothing went right for them. Battles were lost, lives were lost, time was lost. But when they decided to trust in God's plan He delivered cities, kings and peoples into their hands. And if there is an overriding theme for the book of Joshua it is to "be strong and courageous!" God is fighting my battles, so why on earth am I trying to take the sword from His hands?
Who am I really though? In the grand beauty of this universe I am a non-existent dot: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpChZxPfa-c. But, the God who created that majesty LOVES ME and He LOVES YOU!
So I watch that video and I am awestruck by God's love. He loves me so much that His thoughts of me are like the grains of sand on the sea. The God who created the UNIVERSE! And even more amazing is that He thinks of every being, every human THAT MUCH! Are you speechless with wonder yet? How can this little selfish, nothing in my terms human be that loved? I have no idea, but this little invisible dot has my name on God's hands and He is constantly thinking about me and planning my life. So...I throw a fit and have an issue with this why....?
Much <3
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Monday, December 13, 2010
Ramblings of a stressed grad student
I feel like I'm at a very interesting point in my life. I know I've been called to grad school and that is where God wants me, but I feel like it is some kind of holding zone. Like something bigger is coming that I need to be ready for and I don't know what it is. And that worries me. Cause I always have had a plan before. My grand plan upon graduating from undergrad was to get married and start a family. Well, that obviously didn't happen so God sent me to grad school. Ok, well now I don't have a plan for after grad school. I mean, I really want to get married and start a family, but what if that's not in God's plan? Let us hope it is cause that's another thing I've been struggling with lately. Hold that thought. Back to school...I just don't know what is going to happen in a year and a half. I want to teach. I never feel so satisfied, so happy, as when I'm teaching kids music, or when I'm with my beautiful children with special needs. That is my thing, my joy. Its almost like its being with held from me right now, and that is frustrating.
And then there is the whole deal about finding a guy. No, I don't want to find him, I want him to find me. But what if he never does? What if he doesn't exist? I'm at this stage where everyone around me is getting married, and now starting to have babies. Don't get me wrong, I love them all and am soo happy for them. I'm just sick of seeing happy "I have the best husband ever" posts on facebook. Selfish of me yes. But true nonetheless. I just wonder if there is someone out there for me. It makes me wonder what the wait is. Am I not ready or is he not ready? I feel like I'm ready...but maybe I'm not? And what constitutes what "ready" is? I know I'm picky. I know that's good. But where is the one who is just as picky? Where is the one willing to put up with my quirks and embrace my ambitions? So there is that overriding issue. God is teaching me patience....still...and probably always.
Of course it seems to me that everything that I identify myself in is changing. I don't play my oboe with the same skill level that I used to. I know this has changed over time. My peak performance level was in late highschool/early college. Now I would rather teach then perform. Sure I love the occasional gig on the side, but I'm at the point where I'm set as a professional musician and how I am now after 13 years of playing is how I'm going to be and nothing is going to change that. Cause like most things in my life, I tend to be a stubborn musician...big surprise I know :-) To be honest I have never felt more discouraged as a musician as I have this semester. It makes me question my identity as a musician.
Then there is school. I'm an A student. I got one B in highschool, and one B in college. I'm not a B student. Yet, this semester is threatening to give me at least 2 B's....once grades come in I'll know for sure. And I have worked soooo hard this semester to do well. But it seems my best is B work? Again...I've never been so frustrated about grades as I have this semester. Grad school is not undergrad.
So all this stuff has been pressing on me this semester. A lot has happened. I graduated, started at a new school with a new program. My school family has dispersed and I never see them. I don't fit in at grad school. I don't have a family there, I'm just another person. Sure people know me and like me, but I'm not one of them. I'm not a family member there, just a student. Like I said...its a holding zone. I'm not teaching like I want to. My musicianship is not were it used to be and I'm being pushed and pulled in directions I don't want to go. Something tells me God is trying to teach me something. Maybe something like "not your will but mine," or "don't place your identity in anything but me," or maybe "wait, for my timing is best."
Does everyone go through this stage? The people who get married straight out of college don't. I envy you. But then I wouldn't learn what God has to teach me if I had. He is always right.
Thanks for reading my rambling. Comment if you want. Prayers are always appreciated.
Much love <3
And then there is the whole deal about finding a guy. No, I don't want to find him, I want him to find me. But what if he never does? What if he doesn't exist? I'm at this stage where everyone around me is getting married, and now starting to have babies. Don't get me wrong, I love them all and am soo happy for them. I'm just sick of seeing happy "I have the best husband ever" posts on facebook. Selfish of me yes. But true nonetheless. I just wonder if there is someone out there for me. It makes me wonder what the wait is. Am I not ready or is he not ready? I feel like I'm ready...but maybe I'm not? And what constitutes what "ready" is? I know I'm picky. I know that's good. But where is the one who is just as picky? Where is the one willing to put up with my quirks and embrace my ambitions? So there is that overriding issue. God is teaching me patience....still...and probably always.
Of course it seems to me that everything that I identify myself in is changing. I don't play my oboe with the same skill level that I used to. I know this has changed over time. My peak performance level was in late highschool/early college. Now I would rather teach then perform. Sure I love the occasional gig on the side, but I'm at the point where I'm set as a professional musician and how I am now after 13 years of playing is how I'm going to be and nothing is going to change that. Cause like most things in my life, I tend to be a stubborn musician...big surprise I know :-) To be honest I have never felt more discouraged as a musician as I have this semester. It makes me question my identity as a musician.
Then there is school. I'm an A student. I got one B in highschool, and one B in college. I'm not a B student. Yet, this semester is threatening to give me at least 2 B's....once grades come in I'll know for sure. And I have worked soooo hard this semester to do well. But it seems my best is B work? Again...I've never been so frustrated about grades as I have this semester. Grad school is not undergrad.
So all this stuff has been pressing on me this semester. A lot has happened. I graduated, started at a new school with a new program. My school family has dispersed and I never see them. I don't fit in at grad school. I don't have a family there, I'm just another person. Sure people know me and like me, but I'm not one of them. I'm not a family member there, just a student. Like I said...its a holding zone. I'm not teaching like I want to. My musicianship is not were it used to be and I'm being pushed and pulled in directions I don't want to go. Something tells me God is trying to teach me something. Maybe something like "not your will but mine," or "don't place your identity in anything but me," or maybe "wait, for my timing is best."
Does everyone go through this stage? The people who get married straight out of college don't. I envy you. But then I wouldn't learn what God has to teach me if I had. He is always right.
Thanks for reading my rambling. Comment if you want. Prayers are always appreciated.
Much love <3
Saturday, November 27, 2010
I have been changed...for good
(Elphaba) I'm limited
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
For both of us - now it's up to you...
(Glinda) I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
(Elphaba) It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
(Glinda) Because I knew you
(Both) I have been changed for good
(Elphaba) And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the thing I've done you blame me for
(Glinda) But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
(Both) And none of it seems to matter anymore
(Glinda) Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
(Elphaba) Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood
(Both) Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better
(Glinda) And because I knew you...
(Elphaba) Because I knew you...
(Both) Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good.
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
For both of us - now it's up to you...
(Glinda) I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
(Elphaba) It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
(Glinda) Because I knew you
(Both) I have been changed for good
(Elphaba) And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the thing I've done you blame me for
(Glinda) But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
(Both) And none of it seems to matter anymore
(Glinda) Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
(Elphaba) Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood
(Both) Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better
(Glinda) And because I knew you...
(Elphaba) Because I knew you...
(Both) Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Held in His hands
Why do I worry? Why do I plan? Why do I think I've got life figured out? If God has taught me anything this year, He has taught me to be patient. To wait on Him. To breathe.
He planned for me to go to graduate school. He planned for me to meet the most amazing adviser, who has become more like a good friend. He planned for me to slow down and learn what it is like to not always be insanely busy. And he planned for a certain amazing someone to walk into my life :-)
And looking at this year, I wonder why I even think I can begin to have things under control. Because if things had been left up to me...well, it scares me to think where I would be.
But dear friends, I had to become WILLING. I had to come to the point of "not my will, but yours." I had to lay everything at the bloodstained feet of my Best Friend, my Jesus. I had to trust that His ways are higher, better and incredible. If I had not been willing, had not wanted Him to take over, I would still be floating around...angry with myself. Angry with how I thought I could take over. Angry with the mess I'd created.
I cannot understand a love that looks down on the dirty, disgusting, selfish me. A love that washes away that nastiness with life-blood. A love that gave up everything for this horrible sin just so I could receive the beauty that lay in store. Its a love that doesn't make sense. And so I accept it, humbly, tearfully, gratefully.
Its a love that's just for me. And its a love that's just for you.
Its a beautiful love.
And its free.
Forever.
He planned for me to go to graduate school. He planned for me to meet the most amazing adviser, who has become more like a good friend. He planned for me to slow down and learn what it is like to not always be insanely busy. And he planned for a certain amazing someone to walk into my life :-)
And looking at this year, I wonder why I even think I can begin to have things under control. Because if things had been left up to me...well, it scares me to think where I would be.
But dear friends, I had to become WILLING. I had to come to the point of "not my will, but yours." I had to lay everything at the bloodstained feet of my Best Friend, my Jesus. I had to trust that His ways are higher, better and incredible. If I had not been willing, had not wanted Him to take over, I would still be floating around...angry with myself. Angry with how I thought I could take over. Angry with the mess I'd created.
I cannot understand a love that looks down on the dirty, disgusting, selfish me. A love that washes away that nastiness with life-blood. A love that gave up everything for this horrible sin just so I could receive the beauty that lay in store. Its a love that doesn't make sense. And so I accept it, humbly, tearfully, gratefully.
Its a love that's just for me. And its a love that's just for you.
Its a beautiful love.
And its free.
Forever.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
The Warmth of Fall
I'm kinda in love with this time of year. Once the weather starts to chill and I get to pull out my hoodies, I start to get really excited. Because fall means hayrack rides, corn maizes, and carving pumpkins. It means that the trees start to change colors and scream that they have an amazing Creator. Fall means bonfires and hot chocolate. It means that if I see anything pumpkin I have to try very hard not to buy it. For example: pumpkin candles, pumpkin body lotion, pumpkin coffee...Doesn't that just sound all warm and cozy? :-)
Fall also means that Thanksgiving is on the way, which means I get to see my extended family...and get to play TRADITIONAL GAMES!!! (the cousins know what I mean ;-) And after Thanksgiving everything starts pointing to Christmas. I seriously get more like a little kid with each day that gets closer to Christmas.
So Happy Fall everyone, let us enjoy the beauty that surrounds us in this amazing time of year and glorify the amazing Artist who loves us enough to shower us with His blessing of this season!!
Fall also means that Thanksgiving is on the way, which means I get to see my extended family...and get to play TRADITIONAL GAMES!!! (the cousins know what I mean ;-) And after Thanksgiving everything starts pointing to Christmas. I seriously get more like a little kid with each day that gets closer to Christmas.
So Happy Fall everyone, let us enjoy the beauty that surrounds us in this amazing time of year and glorify the amazing Artist who loves us enough to shower us with His blessing of this season!!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
I do what I do not want to do...
...and what I want to do I do not do.
For example: coffee. I drink A LOT of coffee. Which means, I buy A LOT of coffee. Espressos, lattes, cappuccinos, mochas, black, with cream...you name it, I drink it. And if I don't drink it I get a headache. Uh, I think I'm addicted. Actually, I KNOW I'm addicted. But see, I love coffee.
Think about it like this. Coffee brings people together! If I want to have girl time, we go to coffee. Bible study time, go to coffee. Catch up time, go to coffee. Relaxing time, go to coffee. Staying awake for studying, go to coffee. Stress reliever, go to coffee. Get-away-from-it-all, go to coffee. There is never a bad excuse to not have coffee.
BUT.....
Coffee provides a few issues. Like, it makes me poor. Seriously. Ok, so I buy pretty generic coffee in bulk to drink everyday (which btw is really good with a little milk and cinnamon). But, there are those times where I make coffee runs...any excuse will do. Its Friday. Its test day. Its a late study night. Its been a stressful day. I have a gift card. Its fall. Its summer. Its spring. Its winter. Its early. I'm not awake yet.
You get the idea.
I've often considered giving up coffee. But....the thought of giving up fellowship and getting headaches is not a good option.
Oh! I just have to impart some of my favorite coffee drinks before I go...because I can.
Starbucks: Pretty much anything, but the standard fallbacks are Pumpkin Spice Latte, Cinnamon Dolce Latte with soy milk, any of the Christmas drinks (peppermint mocha...), and White Chocolate Mocha.
Meads Corner: Peanut Butter Latte. Hands down the best thing ever.
Scooters: Vanilla Latte, Chunky Monkey Latte, Chi Latte. They also have amazing smoothies.
Quick Trip: French Vanilla Latte. Every time.
Panera: Hazelnut...fresh brewed. mmmmmm.
Seattles Best: Cinnabon with just a little bit of cream.
Of course there is always more...like this amazing pumpkin spice coffee that Cracker Barrel sells (thanks to LaVonna for introducing me to this one :-) I guess I'm somewhat of a connoisseur of coffee.
Oh. NEVER EVER drink McDonalds coffee. Its burnt. Always.
Much Love
<3
For example: coffee. I drink A LOT of coffee. Which means, I buy A LOT of coffee. Espressos, lattes, cappuccinos, mochas, black, with cream...you name it, I drink it. And if I don't drink it I get a headache. Uh, I think I'm addicted. Actually, I KNOW I'm addicted. But see, I love coffee.
Think about it like this. Coffee brings people together! If I want to have girl time, we go to coffee. Bible study time, go to coffee. Catch up time, go to coffee. Relaxing time, go to coffee. Staying awake for studying, go to coffee. Stress reliever, go to coffee. Get-away-from-it-all, go to coffee. There is never a bad excuse to not have coffee.
BUT.....
Coffee provides a few issues. Like, it makes me poor. Seriously. Ok, so I buy pretty generic coffee in bulk to drink everyday (which btw is really good with a little milk and cinnamon). But, there are those times where I make coffee runs...any excuse will do. Its Friday. Its test day. Its a late study night. Its been a stressful day. I have a gift card. Its fall. Its summer. Its spring. Its winter. Its early. I'm not awake yet.
You get the idea.
I've often considered giving up coffee. But....the thought of giving up fellowship and getting headaches is not a good option.
Oh! I just have to impart some of my favorite coffee drinks before I go...because I can.
Starbucks: Pretty much anything, but the standard fallbacks are Pumpkin Spice Latte, Cinnamon Dolce Latte with soy milk, any of the Christmas drinks (peppermint mocha...), and White Chocolate Mocha.
Meads Corner: Peanut Butter Latte. Hands down the best thing ever.
Scooters: Vanilla Latte, Chunky Monkey Latte, Chi Latte. They also have amazing smoothies.
Quick Trip: French Vanilla Latte. Every time.
Panera: Hazelnut...fresh brewed. mmmmmm.
Seattles Best: Cinnabon with just a little bit of cream.
Of course there is always more...like this amazing pumpkin spice coffee that Cracker Barrel sells (thanks to LaVonna for introducing me to this one :-) I guess I'm somewhat of a connoisseur of coffee.
Oh. NEVER EVER drink McDonalds coffee. Its burnt. Always.
Much Love
<3
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Dear Ragweed: please go away
So, allergies are a nuisance. What is even more annoying is the fact that although I used to have horrible allergies and they actually went away for a number of years, they are back worse then ever before. Dad asked me today if I was praying for the first freeze. Indeed I am.
I started a cascade of medications for this annoying issue. I know Benadryl works, so it was the first solution to be tried. After two afternoons of being completely knocked out and not getting anything done outside a two hour nap (which was amazing), I knew I had to find something else. Next on the list was Claritin. Claritin looked good, I mean, the commercials say its "Claritin clear." It had to work! Um...no, not quite. After giving Claritin a chance, realizing it did NOTHING and taking more Benadryl (and more naps) I decided to take a facebook poll.
So I asked people what they suggested. The top two results were Zyrtec and Allegra. Since I didn't want to get a prescription if I didn't have to, I tried Zyrtec. And you know what? It WORKED! Amazing!!!
My joy didn't last long. Sure Zyrtec works, but I still have to take Benadryl at night to help me sleep. Another thing that I have discovered is that Zyrtec does nothing to help with congestion. Next on the list: the Neti Pot.
Everyone boasts about the Neti Pot, this wondrous remedy that supposedly cleans out the nasal passages allowing you to breathe. Um...the Neti Pot made things worse. Supposedly this happens at first, so I'm being optimistic. Maybe it gets worse before it gets better, who knows.
I do know that Sudafed relieved the congestion a lot faster then the Neti Pot.
Much Love
<3
I started a cascade of medications for this annoying issue. I know Benadryl works, so it was the first solution to be tried. After two afternoons of being completely knocked out and not getting anything done outside a two hour nap (which was amazing), I knew I had to find something else. Next on the list was Claritin. Claritin looked good, I mean, the commercials say its "Claritin clear." It had to work! Um...no, not quite. After giving Claritin a chance, realizing it did NOTHING and taking more Benadryl (and more naps) I decided to take a facebook poll.
So I asked people what they suggested. The top two results were Zyrtec and Allegra. Since I didn't want to get a prescription if I didn't have to, I tried Zyrtec. And you know what? It WORKED! Amazing!!!
My joy didn't last long. Sure Zyrtec works, but I still have to take Benadryl at night to help me sleep. Another thing that I have discovered is that Zyrtec does nothing to help with congestion. Next on the list: the Neti Pot.
Everyone boasts about the Neti Pot, this wondrous remedy that supposedly cleans out the nasal passages allowing you to breathe. Um...the Neti Pot made things worse. Supposedly this happens at first, so I'm being optimistic. Maybe it gets worse before it gets better, who knows.
I do know that Sudafed relieved the congestion a lot faster then the Neti Pot.
Much Love
<3
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