I feel like I'm at a very interesting point in my life. I know I've been called to grad school and that is where God wants me, but I feel like it is some kind of holding zone. Like something bigger is coming that I need to be ready for and I don't know what it is. And that worries me. Cause I always have had a plan before. My grand plan upon graduating from undergrad was to get married and start a family. Well, that obviously didn't happen so God sent me to grad school. Ok, well now I don't have a plan for after grad school. I mean, I really want to get married and start a family, but what if that's not in God's plan? Let us hope it is cause that's another thing I've been struggling with lately. Hold that thought. Back to school...I just don't know what is going to happen in a year and a half. I want to teach. I never feel so satisfied, so happy, as when I'm teaching kids music, or when I'm with my beautiful children with special needs. That is my thing, my joy. Its almost like its being with held from me right now, and that is frustrating.
And then there is the whole deal about finding a guy. No, I don't want to find him, I want him to find me. But what if he never does? What if he doesn't exist? I'm at this stage where everyone around me is getting married, and now starting to have babies. Don't get me wrong, I love them all and am soo happy for them. I'm just sick of seeing happy "I have the best husband ever" posts on facebook. Selfish of me yes. But true nonetheless. I just wonder if there is someone out there for me. It makes me wonder what the wait is. Am I not ready or is he not ready? I feel like I'm ready...but maybe I'm not? And what constitutes what "ready" is? I know I'm picky. I know that's good. But where is the one who is just as picky? Where is the one willing to put up with my quirks and embrace my ambitions? So there is that overriding issue. God is teaching me patience....still...and probably always.
Of course it seems to me that everything that I identify myself in is changing. I don't play my oboe with the same skill level that I used to. I know this has changed over time. My peak performance level was in late highschool/early college. Now I would rather teach then perform. Sure I love the occasional gig on the side, but I'm at the point where I'm set as a professional musician and how I am now after 13 years of playing is how I'm going to be and nothing is going to change that. Cause like most things in my life, I tend to be a stubborn musician...big surprise I know :-) To be honest I have never felt more discouraged as a musician as I have this semester. It makes me question my identity as a musician.
Then there is school. I'm an A student. I got one B in highschool, and one B in college. I'm not a B student. Yet, this semester is threatening to give me at least 2 B's....once grades come in I'll know for sure. And I have worked soooo hard this semester to do well. But it seems my best is B work? Again...I've never been so frustrated about grades as I have this semester. Grad school is not undergrad.
So all this stuff has been pressing on me this semester. A lot has happened. I graduated, started at a new school with a new program. My school family has dispersed and I never see them. I don't fit in at grad school. I don't have a family there, I'm just another person. Sure people know me and like me, but I'm not one of them. I'm not a family member there, just a student. Like I said...its a holding zone. I'm not teaching like I want to. My musicianship is not were it used to be and I'm being pushed and pulled in directions I don't want to go. Something tells me God is trying to teach me something. Maybe something like "not your will but mine," or "don't place your identity in anything but me," or maybe "wait, for my timing is best."
Does everyone go through this stage? The people who get married straight out of college don't. I envy you. But then I wouldn't learn what God has to teach me if I had. He is always right.
Thanks for reading my rambling. Comment if you want. Prayers are always appreciated.
Much love <3
Monday, December 13, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
I have been changed...for good
(Elphaba) I'm limited
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
For both of us - now it's up to you...
(Glinda) I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
(Elphaba) It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
(Glinda) Because I knew you
(Both) I have been changed for good
(Elphaba) And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the thing I've done you blame me for
(Glinda) But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
(Both) And none of it seems to matter anymore
(Glinda) Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
(Elphaba) Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood
(Both) Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better
(Glinda) And because I knew you...
(Elphaba) Because I knew you...
(Both) Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good.
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
For both of us - now it's up to you...
(Glinda) I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
(Elphaba) It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
(Glinda) Because I knew you
(Both) I have been changed for good
(Elphaba) And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the thing I've done you blame me for
(Glinda) But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
(Both) And none of it seems to matter anymore
(Glinda) Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
(Elphaba) Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood
(Both) Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better
(Glinda) And because I knew you...
(Elphaba) Because I knew you...
(Both) Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Held in His hands
Why do I worry? Why do I plan? Why do I think I've got life figured out? If God has taught me anything this year, He has taught me to be patient. To wait on Him. To breathe.
He planned for me to go to graduate school. He planned for me to meet the most amazing adviser, who has become more like a good friend. He planned for me to slow down and learn what it is like to not always be insanely busy. And he planned for a certain amazing someone to walk into my life :-)
And looking at this year, I wonder why I even think I can begin to have things under control. Because if things had been left up to me...well, it scares me to think where I would be.
But dear friends, I had to become WILLING. I had to come to the point of "not my will, but yours." I had to lay everything at the bloodstained feet of my Best Friend, my Jesus. I had to trust that His ways are higher, better and incredible. If I had not been willing, had not wanted Him to take over, I would still be floating around...angry with myself. Angry with how I thought I could take over. Angry with the mess I'd created.
I cannot understand a love that looks down on the dirty, disgusting, selfish me. A love that washes away that nastiness with life-blood. A love that gave up everything for this horrible sin just so I could receive the beauty that lay in store. Its a love that doesn't make sense. And so I accept it, humbly, tearfully, gratefully.
Its a love that's just for me. And its a love that's just for you.
Its a beautiful love.
And its free.
Forever.
He planned for me to go to graduate school. He planned for me to meet the most amazing adviser, who has become more like a good friend. He planned for me to slow down and learn what it is like to not always be insanely busy. And he planned for a certain amazing someone to walk into my life :-)
And looking at this year, I wonder why I even think I can begin to have things under control. Because if things had been left up to me...well, it scares me to think where I would be.
But dear friends, I had to become WILLING. I had to come to the point of "not my will, but yours." I had to lay everything at the bloodstained feet of my Best Friend, my Jesus. I had to trust that His ways are higher, better and incredible. If I had not been willing, had not wanted Him to take over, I would still be floating around...angry with myself. Angry with how I thought I could take over. Angry with the mess I'd created.
I cannot understand a love that looks down on the dirty, disgusting, selfish me. A love that washes away that nastiness with life-blood. A love that gave up everything for this horrible sin just so I could receive the beauty that lay in store. Its a love that doesn't make sense. And so I accept it, humbly, tearfully, gratefully.
Its a love that's just for me. And its a love that's just for you.
Its a beautiful love.
And its free.
Forever.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
The Warmth of Fall
I'm kinda in love with this time of year. Once the weather starts to chill and I get to pull out my hoodies, I start to get really excited. Because fall means hayrack rides, corn maizes, and carving pumpkins. It means that the trees start to change colors and scream that they have an amazing Creator. Fall means bonfires and hot chocolate. It means that if I see anything pumpkin I have to try very hard not to buy it. For example: pumpkin candles, pumpkin body lotion, pumpkin coffee...Doesn't that just sound all warm and cozy? :-)
Fall also means that Thanksgiving is on the way, which means I get to see my extended family...and get to play TRADITIONAL GAMES!!! (the cousins know what I mean ;-) And after Thanksgiving everything starts pointing to Christmas. I seriously get more like a little kid with each day that gets closer to Christmas.
So Happy Fall everyone, let us enjoy the beauty that surrounds us in this amazing time of year and glorify the amazing Artist who loves us enough to shower us with His blessing of this season!!
Fall also means that Thanksgiving is on the way, which means I get to see my extended family...and get to play TRADITIONAL GAMES!!! (the cousins know what I mean ;-) And after Thanksgiving everything starts pointing to Christmas. I seriously get more like a little kid with each day that gets closer to Christmas.
So Happy Fall everyone, let us enjoy the beauty that surrounds us in this amazing time of year and glorify the amazing Artist who loves us enough to shower us with His blessing of this season!!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
I do what I do not want to do...
...and what I want to do I do not do.
For example: coffee. I drink A LOT of coffee. Which means, I buy A LOT of coffee. Espressos, lattes, cappuccinos, mochas, black, with cream...you name it, I drink it. And if I don't drink it I get a headache. Uh, I think I'm addicted. Actually, I KNOW I'm addicted. But see, I love coffee.
Think about it like this. Coffee brings people together! If I want to have girl time, we go to coffee. Bible study time, go to coffee. Catch up time, go to coffee. Relaxing time, go to coffee. Staying awake for studying, go to coffee. Stress reliever, go to coffee. Get-away-from-it-all, go to coffee. There is never a bad excuse to not have coffee.
BUT.....
Coffee provides a few issues. Like, it makes me poor. Seriously. Ok, so I buy pretty generic coffee in bulk to drink everyday (which btw is really good with a little milk and cinnamon). But, there are those times where I make coffee runs...any excuse will do. Its Friday. Its test day. Its a late study night. Its been a stressful day. I have a gift card. Its fall. Its summer. Its spring. Its winter. Its early. I'm not awake yet.
You get the idea.
I've often considered giving up coffee. But....the thought of giving up fellowship and getting headaches is not a good option.
Oh! I just have to impart some of my favorite coffee drinks before I go...because I can.
Starbucks: Pretty much anything, but the standard fallbacks are Pumpkin Spice Latte, Cinnamon Dolce Latte with soy milk, any of the Christmas drinks (peppermint mocha...), and White Chocolate Mocha.
Meads Corner: Peanut Butter Latte. Hands down the best thing ever.
Scooters: Vanilla Latte, Chunky Monkey Latte, Chi Latte. They also have amazing smoothies.
Quick Trip: French Vanilla Latte. Every time.
Panera: Hazelnut...fresh brewed. mmmmmm.
Seattles Best: Cinnabon with just a little bit of cream.
Of course there is always more...like this amazing pumpkin spice coffee that Cracker Barrel sells (thanks to LaVonna for introducing me to this one :-) I guess I'm somewhat of a connoisseur of coffee.
Oh. NEVER EVER drink McDonalds coffee. Its burnt. Always.
Much Love
<3
For example: coffee. I drink A LOT of coffee. Which means, I buy A LOT of coffee. Espressos, lattes, cappuccinos, mochas, black, with cream...you name it, I drink it. And if I don't drink it I get a headache. Uh, I think I'm addicted. Actually, I KNOW I'm addicted. But see, I love coffee.
Think about it like this. Coffee brings people together! If I want to have girl time, we go to coffee. Bible study time, go to coffee. Catch up time, go to coffee. Relaxing time, go to coffee. Staying awake for studying, go to coffee. Stress reliever, go to coffee. Get-away-from-it-all, go to coffee. There is never a bad excuse to not have coffee.
BUT.....
Coffee provides a few issues. Like, it makes me poor. Seriously. Ok, so I buy pretty generic coffee in bulk to drink everyday (which btw is really good with a little milk and cinnamon). But, there are those times where I make coffee runs...any excuse will do. Its Friday. Its test day. Its a late study night. Its been a stressful day. I have a gift card. Its fall. Its summer. Its spring. Its winter. Its early. I'm not awake yet.
You get the idea.
I've often considered giving up coffee. But....the thought of giving up fellowship and getting headaches is not a good option.
Oh! I just have to impart some of my favorite coffee drinks before I go...because I can.
Starbucks: Pretty much anything, but the standard fallbacks are Pumpkin Spice Latte, Cinnamon Dolce Latte with soy milk, any of the Christmas drinks (peppermint mocha...), and White Chocolate Mocha.
Meads Corner: Peanut Butter Latte. Hands down the best thing ever.
Scooters: Vanilla Latte, Chunky Monkey Latte, Chi Latte. They also have amazing smoothies.
Quick Trip: French Vanilla Latte. Every time.
Panera: Hazelnut...fresh brewed. mmmmmm.
Seattles Best: Cinnabon with just a little bit of cream.
Of course there is always more...like this amazing pumpkin spice coffee that Cracker Barrel sells (thanks to LaVonna for introducing me to this one :-) I guess I'm somewhat of a connoisseur of coffee.
Oh. NEVER EVER drink McDonalds coffee. Its burnt. Always.
Much Love
<3
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Dear Ragweed: please go away
So, allergies are a nuisance. What is even more annoying is the fact that although I used to have horrible allergies and they actually went away for a number of years, they are back worse then ever before. Dad asked me today if I was praying for the first freeze. Indeed I am.
I started a cascade of medications for this annoying issue. I know Benadryl works, so it was the first solution to be tried. After two afternoons of being completely knocked out and not getting anything done outside a two hour nap (which was amazing), I knew I had to find something else. Next on the list was Claritin. Claritin looked good, I mean, the commercials say its "Claritin clear." It had to work! Um...no, not quite. After giving Claritin a chance, realizing it did NOTHING and taking more Benadryl (and more naps) I decided to take a facebook poll.
So I asked people what they suggested. The top two results were Zyrtec and Allegra. Since I didn't want to get a prescription if I didn't have to, I tried Zyrtec. And you know what? It WORKED! Amazing!!!
My joy didn't last long. Sure Zyrtec works, but I still have to take Benadryl at night to help me sleep. Another thing that I have discovered is that Zyrtec does nothing to help with congestion. Next on the list: the Neti Pot.
Everyone boasts about the Neti Pot, this wondrous remedy that supposedly cleans out the nasal passages allowing you to breathe. Um...the Neti Pot made things worse. Supposedly this happens at first, so I'm being optimistic. Maybe it gets worse before it gets better, who knows.
I do know that Sudafed relieved the congestion a lot faster then the Neti Pot.
Much Love
<3
I started a cascade of medications for this annoying issue. I know Benadryl works, so it was the first solution to be tried. After two afternoons of being completely knocked out and not getting anything done outside a two hour nap (which was amazing), I knew I had to find something else. Next on the list was Claritin. Claritin looked good, I mean, the commercials say its "Claritin clear." It had to work! Um...no, not quite. After giving Claritin a chance, realizing it did NOTHING and taking more Benadryl (and more naps) I decided to take a facebook poll.
So I asked people what they suggested. The top two results were Zyrtec and Allegra. Since I didn't want to get a prescription if I didn't have to, I tried Zyrtec. And you know what? It WORKED! Amazing!!!
My joy didn't last long. Sure Zyrtec works, but I still have to take Benadryl at night to help me sleep. Another thing that I have discovered is that Zyrtec does nothing to help with congestion. Next on the list: the Neti Pot.
Everyone boasts about the Neti Pot, this wondrous remedy that supposedly cleans out the nasal passages allowing you to breathe. Um...the Neti Pot made things worse. Supposedly this happens at first, so I'm being optimistic. Maybe it gets worse before it gets better, who knows.
I do know that Sudafed relieved the congestion a lot faster then the Neti Pot.
Much Love
<3
Saturday, September 11, 2010
So...about that...
Apparently I'm really bad at blogging; I never update. Does this mean my life is boring? Hmmm....
Well, I guess I'll fill ya'll in about what has been happening these last few weeks. Grad school is, um, not what I expected. At Friends as an undergrad I was used to 15+ days and never having enough time to do anything. At WSU as a grad student I feel like I'm looking for things to do. To be honest, that is super hard for someone like me. I like to be busy, to run on tight deadlines and to pull things out last minuet. Its also been a change in the fact that I'm just barely getting to know people. My goal in grad school isn't to make lifelong friendships like I did at Friends. I mean, I want to get in and out so I can get this degree and start to teach my children with special needs the joys of music. That is my passion, that is my love, and to be honest, its driving me crazy that I can't do that right now. BUT....I know 100% this is where God wants me to be because He worked out everything beautifully for my story. So I will adjust as needed and see where it takes me :-)
With all that said...I quit orchestra after one week. What, you ask? I thought you were dying to play in orchestra again! Well, I was. God again taught me a lesson. I got 3rd chair in the orchestra and I've never sat 3rd in my life....rarely did I even sit 2nd chair. So, that was a HUGE hit on my pride, and it was much needed. I went to orchestra for that first week determined to make this work, to bloom where I'm planted. And...it drove me crazy. Cause at WSU, being 3rd chair in the orchestra basically means you play when they need you...which is like never. Only on pieces that had english horn did I get to play 2nd part. Then we got the performance schedule. I looked at the performance schedule, I added up how much gas I was using just to make 2 extra trips out to orchestra, and I looked at the frustration at not playing I had...and made the decision to quit. And I couldn't be happier :-) Funny how God uses things like that, huh? Even in the first week of school He said "my plans are higher then yours."
So now I'm looking at what to do with all this time I seem to have. Literally every afternoon is free, which would be fine if I was bogged in homework like I'm used to. I've placed a call to USD 259 to see if they can transfer all my paperwork I submitted for teaching over to the substitute office. I'm hoping that maybe I can substitute teach in the afternoons. I REALLY miss teaching in the schools.
And...there ya'll go. I updated :-) My life isn't that exciting, I feel like I'm in a weird holding/transition/immobile stage of my life. Kinda like I've got to get through these 2 years before something happens. But hey, if I live each day looking to the future I'll never appreciate what I have. Each day is beautiful and that's all I've got. So I'll live each day to its fullest as I slowly learn to let go of my own plans.
God is good. And He is big. :-)
Much love <3
Well, I guess I'll fill ya'll in about what has been happening these last few weeks. Grad school is, um, not what I expected. At Friends as an undergrad I was used to 15+ days and never having enough time to do anything. At WSU as a grad student I feel like I'm looking for things to do. To be honest, that is super hard for someone like me. I like to be busy, to run on tight deadlines and to pull things out last minuet. Its also been a change in the fact that I'm just barely getting to know people. My goal in grad school isn't to make lifelong friendships like I did at Friends. I mean, I want to get in and out so I can get this degree and start to teach my children with special needs the joys of music. That is my passion, that is my love, and to be honest, its driving me crazy that I can't do that right now. BUT....I know 100% this is where God wants me to be because He worked out everything beautifully for my story. So I will adjust as needed and see where it takes me :-)
With all that said...I quit orchestra after one week. What, you ask? I thought you were dying to play in orchestra again! Well, I was. God again taught me a lesson. I got 3rd chair in the orchestra and I've never sat 3rd in my life....rarely did I even sit 2nd chair. So, that was a HUGE hit on my pride, and it was much needed. I went to orchestra for that first week determined to make this work, to bloom where I'm planted. And...it drove me crazy. Cause at WSU, being 3rd chair in the orchestra basically means you play when they need you...which is like never. Only on pieces that had english horn did I get to play 2nd part. Then we got the performance schedule. I looked at the performance schedule, I added up how much gas I was using just to make 2 extra trips out to orchestra, and I looked at the frustration at not playing I had...and made the decision to quit. And I couldn't be happier :-) Funny how God uses things like that, huh? Even in the first week of school He said "my plans are higher then yours."
So now I'm looking at what to do with all this time I seem to have. Literally every afternoon is free, which would be fine if I was bogged in homework like I'm used to. I've placed a call to USD 259 to see if they can transfer all my paperwork I submitted for teaching over to the substitute office. I'm hoping that maybe I can substitute teach in the afternoons. I REALLY miss teaching in the schools.
And...there ya'll go. I updated :-) My life isn't that exciting, I feel like I'm in a weird holding/transition/immobile stage of my life. Kinda like I've got to get through these 2 years before something happens. But hey, if I live each day looking to the future I'll never appreciate what I have. Each day is beautiful and that's all I've got. So I'll live each day to its fullest as I slowly learn to let go of my own plans.
God is good. And He is big. :-)
Much love <3
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Lots of thoughts need an outlet
Well friends, here it is. I happen to be one of those people who like to write long extended notes about my life. A blog seems to be a better outlet for these thoughts then facebook. If you happen to stumble across my ramblings...congratulations. If you happen to take the time to read my ramblings...well, thank you!
I guess to start, I'll fill you in about what is going on in my life. On Thursday I began the next step in my journey. Graduate school has always been a dream of mine, and now it has become a reality! Crazy as it may sound, I am taking 13 graduate hours. 4 of those hours are orchestra (finally...Orchestra!) and oboe lessons. Another thing I get to do this semester is working in a preschool for special needs children. I'll be helping with the music portion. Wednesday is the day I finally get to start my graduate teaching assistantship. Another dream come true....in the music theory department!
If I had tried to plan all this, I would have fallen so short. My God is so much greater then I am! When I finally let go and gave Him complete control of my life and my future, His amazing hand worked in ways I could have never imagined.
And so...here I am. Living out my dream. Letting go of myself. Learning everyday what it means to fall in crazy love with my Jesus.
Much Love <3
I guess to start, I'll fill you in about what is going on in my life. On Thursday I began the next step in my journey. Graduate school has always been a dream of mine, and now it has become a reality! Crazy as it may sound, I am taking 13 graduate hours. 4 of those hours are orchestra (finally...Orchestra!) and oboe lessons. Another thing I get to do this semester is working in a preschool for special needs children. I'll be helping with the music portion. Wednesday is the day I finally get to start my graduate teaching assistantship. Another dream come true....in the music theory department!
If I had tried to plan all this, I would have fallen so short. My God is so much greater then I am! When I finally let go and gave Him complete control of my life and my future, His amazing hand worked in ways I could have never imagined.
And so...here I am. Living out my dream. Letting go of myself. Learning everyday what it means to fall in crazy love with my Jesus.
Much Love <3
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