I feel like I'm at a very interesting point in my life. I know I've been called to grad school and that is where God wants me, but I feel like it is some kind of holding zone. Like something bigger is coming that I need to be ready for and I don't know what it is. And that worries me. Cause I always have had a plan before. My grand plan upon graduating from undergrad was to get married and start a family. Well, that obviously didn't happen so God sent me to grad school. Ok, well now I don't have a plan for after grad school. I mean, I really want to get married and start a family, but what if that's not in God's plan? Let us hope it is cause that's another thing I've been struggling with lately. Hold that thought. Back to school...I just don't know what is going to happen in a year and a half. I want to teach. I never feel so satisfied, so happy, as when I'm teaching kids music, or when I'm with my beautiful children with special needs. That is my thing, my joy. Its almost like its being with held from me right now, and that is frustrating.
And then there is the whole deal about finding a guy. No, I don't want to find him, I want him to find me. But what if he never does? What if he doesn't exist? I'm at this stage where everyone around me is getting married, and now starting to have babies. Don't get me wrong, I love them all and am soo happy for them. I'm just sick of seeing happy "I have the best husband ever" posts on facebook. Selfish of me yes. But true nonetheless. I just wonder if there is someone out there for me. It makes me wonder what the wait is. Am I not ready or is he not ready? I feel like I'm ready...but maybe I'm not? And what constitutes what "ready" is? I know I'm picky. I know that's good. But where is the one who is just as picky? Where is the one willing to put up with my quirks and embrace my ambitions? So there is that overriding issue. God is teaching me patience....still...and probably always.
Of course it seems to me that everything that I identify myself in is changing. I don't play my oboe with the same skill level that I used to. I know this has changed over time. My peak performance level was in late highschool/early college. Now I would rather teach then perform. Sure I love the occasional gig on the side, but I'm at the point where I'm set as a professional musician and how I am now after 13 years of playing is how I'm going to be and nothing is going to change that. Cause like most things in my life, I tend to be a stubborn musician...big surprise I know :-) To be honest I have never felt more discouraged as a musician as I have this semester. It makes me question my identity as a musician.
Then there is school. I'm an A student. I got one B in highschool, and one B in college. I'm not a B student. Yet, this semester is threatening to give me at least 2 B's....once grades come in I'll know for sure. And I have worked soooo hard this semester to do well. But it seems my best is B work? Again...I've never been so frustrated about grades as I have this semester. Grad school is not undergrad.
So all this stuff has been pressing on me this semester. A lot has happened. I graduated, started at a new school with a new program. My school family has dispersed and I never see them. I don't fit in at grad school. I don't have a family there, I'm just another person. Sure people know me and like me, but I'm not one of them. I'm not a family member there, just a student. Like I said...its a holding zone. I'm not teaching like I want to. My musicianship is not were it used to be and I'm being pushed and pulled in directions I don't want to go. Something tells me God is trying to teach me something. Maybe something like "not your will but mine," or "don't place your identity in anything but me," or maybe "wait, for my timing is best."
Does everyone go through this stage? The people who get married straight out of college don't. I envy you. But then I wouldn't learn what God has to teach me if I had. He is always right.
Thanks for reading my rambling. Comment if you want. Prayers are always appreciated.
Much love <3
